Divvying out roses with The Bachelor

I’ve never felt inclined to date competitively on live television, but in the spirit of Valentines Day (or Anna Howard Shaw Day, if you’re a 30 Rock fan) I decided to check out one of TV’s longest running reality shows, The Bachelor (known by its alternate title: It’s Trash, But I Love It).

TV Tuttle: The Bachelor
TV Tuttle here trying to be Bachelor-ly

Pretty much every reality show incorporates the following ingredients: high stakes, high pressure decisions with no time to think, constant jeopardy and soap opera-level melodrama.

The Bachelor
Source: ABC The Bachelor Facebook

Here’s what happened in the first half of S21:E6: drama follows Corinne (or maybe it’s the other way around), Nick gallivants with beautiful women in St. Thomas, and alcohol ruins a perfectly boring game of volleyball.

Let’s jump into the predictions, shall we?

  • Corinne stays on the show—she must; she’s a dream for the producers – TRUE. But for the love of all things good, don’t ask her to compare gold or platinum.
  • Jasmine scares Nick and goes home – TRUE. Jasmine, please refrain from cracking jokes about how much you want to choke Nick.  Thank you.
  • Daniella outlasts Whitney on the 2-on-1 date – TRUE (WITH A TWIST).  Daniella then tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him but he does not share those feelings at all…so she has to leave.
  • Nick breaks down because it’s stressful dating so many people at once – TRUE.  But then he shows some more existential fears creeping in about never finding love.  He has been on this show at least four times already, so his fears are both warranted and highly lucrative for ABC.
  • What I did not anticipate: that so many women would go home early.  I’m also ashamed to say I believed the editors when they made Corinne falling on the beach seem super dramatic in the previews.
How I felt while watching The Bachelor
How I felt while watching The Bachelor

The Bachelor is completely ridiculous but very entertaining.  While I feel a bit gross after watching this two hour episode, I think it’s appropriate to conclude with a bit of life advice:

  • Contestants: drop the vocal fry.
  • Audience: watch this with friends.
  • TV Tuttle: never watch this again.
The Bachelor Cliches
The Bachelor Cliches

TV Tuttle gives The Bachelor 1/5 broken hearts.

TV Tuttle rating: 1/5 broken hearts

Sinking my teeth into The Vampire Diaries

This week on (the first half of) The Vampire Diaries (S8,E8):

  1. Vampire bros Stefan & Damon place a bet on whether this kind doctor named Tara is mean enough to kill Damon.
  2. Caroline (nice vampire) discovers that Sybil (mean vampire) uses mind control to get students to locate an old, magic bell. Sybil threatens to kill the students if Caroline can’t find the bell in time.
  3. An angsty father-son combo do some research about an old family bell (aha!).
Stefan & Damon, The Vampire Diaries
Vampire brothers Stefan & Damon

This episode (and probably most of TVD) follows what Christopher Booker describes as the “Overcoming the Monster” plot, which involves a seemingly invincible monster, a narrow escape from death, and a prize for the hero (usually a princess or treasure).

The Seven Basic Plots, Christopher Booker
By Source, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=40498231

Using Booker’s ideas, I made the following predictions:

  • Stefan loses control & enjoys being evil more than he should, reverting closer to his “Ripper” history– TRUE! Turns out he’s on a secret mission to be evil, but only temporarily?  Oh, and he devoured a whole bunch of hospital staff at the end.  Yikes.
  • Sybil doesn’t find the magic bell – TRUE! Someone named Selene has it, but apparently she’s hiding in the 1800’s.
  • Sybil’s students narrowly escape death– TRUE! Angsty father-son pair Peter and Matt save them, literally seconds before they all go up in flames. Phew!
  • Caroline wards off Sybil temporarily, but is stuck with her for a bit longer– TRUE! Turns out Caroline’s kids are in exile somewhere but Sybil could hurt them?
  • Tara lives – FALSE! I was too hopeful…I thought she’d outwit Stefan and Damon.  Unfortunately, she passed their ‘test’ and therefore, had to die.
How I felt while watching The Vampire Diaries
Thoughts while watching The Vampire Diaries.

Overall, the episode was pretty cringe-worthy.  From cheesy dialogue to overdone tropes, monotone, trying-to-make-vampires-sexy acting, magic plot elements (mind control much?) and even a weird case of vampire cat-calling, I’ll be perfectly content to tune into other channels from here on out.

TV Tuttle gives this episode 1.5/5 mind controlling vampire bats.

1.5/5 mind controlling vampire bats